Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
