I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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