Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
