Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
