Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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