theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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