Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
