Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
