I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
