Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize