Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
