Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize