Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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