census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
