I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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