where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
