At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
