hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
