Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
