we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize