You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
