ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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