If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
