Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
