1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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