It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
