I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
