My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
