How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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