I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
