Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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