Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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