I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i think i just lost a toe
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
