Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
