One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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