It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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