i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
