if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
