you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
