1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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