i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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