i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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