There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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