just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
