Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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