My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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