sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
