p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
