Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
