Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
