I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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