Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
