You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
