I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
