i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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