Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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